Being a veteran of several first-weeks-of-school here at CWRU, I know that the madness of bookstore lines, drop/add hassles, and settling into a new place of residence can all be quite unnerving.
One of the best nonchemical ways I've found to deal with all this stress is to sit back for a minute, get out of the way, and watch all the other people scurrying about on their futile errands. Like a large scale ant farm, you'll see all sorts of strange and exotic people keeping themselves as busy as possible. Let me be you tour guide through this CWRUzoo, and introduce you to several of the more interesting creatures you may see:
The Upperclass Engineer
This group has witnessed a population explosion in recent years, despite an unsuccessful breeding program here on campus. Easily identified by his pallid complexion, vacant stare, and use of the words "utilize, optimize, and Jean-Luc Picard," the upperclass engineer can be observed during the first week of school designing and building a mammoth loft. The purpose of this loft is unknown, but it appears to be a rite of passage in which elevation, cost, and a high number of moving parts are prized. Upon completion of the loft, they disappear as their attentions turn to the glories of the Internet and the endless pursuit of free software; after that, only rare glimpses of them are likely.
The Liberal Artist
Hunted to near extinction in the 1980s, the mysterious liberal arts major is slowly beginning to reappear on campus. With demeanors ranging from skittish to downright bold and imposing, liberal artists are easily spotted by their bright plumage, unpredictable grooming habits, and costly sandals. Always involved in a wide variety of activities and causes, liberal arts majors still are rarely found traveling south of Euclid Avenue, where, despite stiff penalties, they are occasionally shot at.
The Woman
By far one of the most interesting creatures on campus, the woman is also extremely rare. They are most easily found by looking for the large flock of more common animals that inevitably surround them in curiosity and awe. While relatively little is known about their origin, it seems clear that they maintain the highest position on campus and control the actions of the lower creatures. It is also relatively clear that they know this.
The High School Stud
This breed of freshman is amusing, really. Deeply believing that people will be impressed he won four bowling letters at Parma High, his high school tales are probably as fictitious as they are endless.
